Monday, December 03, 2012

Big Fat Chicken

It's so hard to get my words out.  I find myself holding them hostage until I feel safe.  Problem is, I never feel safe.  It's always a risk, it's always terrifying, it's never easy to speak what's on my heart.  It has actually become more and more difficult each time.

When I began this journey of blogging my walk with Christ a year ago.  I was excited, a little nervous, but not scared.  I couldn't wait to pour out the words I seemed to have spilling out of me.

Now, more often than not, I convince myself to keep any and all words to myself.  

My heart...

my words...

myself...

being on display is so uncomfortable.

What will they think? 

What will they say?  

What if they don't agree?  

What if I stumble completely over each and every word?  

My grammar...it sucks

This fear, this paranoia...it's not from God.

So why do I keep focusing on the fear?  Why do I let the fear control me?

This last week, I was staying with my Granny a few days.  When I stay with her, it's always a blessing...in more ways than one.  Time slows down a bit, the busyness of everyday life seems to fade.  It's usually quiet, and I have extra time for prayer and reflection.

One night after Granny went to bed I got out my bible and prayer journal.  As I began writing out my prayer, words of confession came flooding out.  God was opening my eyes to this fear in my heart...along with a whole other mess of things (another blog entry perhaps.)

I had settled down deep into a place where I placed a vast emphasis on what people thought of me.  In the process, I neglected to care about what God has called me to do in the first place.

I wasn't okay with that.

God loves me more than any one person could.  Why do I place so much thought into how people see me, and such minimal thought into serving Him?  I'm always asking Him for opportunities to serve Him, yet he's given me this one and I'm hiding in a hole.

Enough with the stupid fear.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

I can't control how people will receive me or the words I write.  I just hope you can see God at work in my life, and that gives  you a desire to know Him more.

No more being chicken.






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