When God Says "No."

I have to be completely honest.  I have not wanted to let go of the words I'm about to share in this blog entry.  I have found it incredibly difficult to finally put this out there, but I will also say part of that is God's timing.  I have said time and time again I desire to be authentic and transparent about my faith, but this one leaves me feeling very vulnerable (a feeling I'm not okay with.)  But, I'm tired of resisting the conviction I have to share this.  So here it goes...

What happens when God doesn't answer the way you thought he would/should?  

God has blessed me and my family tremendously.  I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful and healthy children, a roof over my head, and food to eat.  I have witnessed Him do some really amazing things in my life and in the lives of those around me.  I had thought it was easy for me to just trust Him with my prayers and know that He is sovereign and in control…until this year.

I spent hours, days, months praying for something.  I had so much faith that God would say “yes” and answer my prayer.  I had never prayed for something so intensely in my life.  I invested a lot of my strength and emotions into this prayer.  I didn't feel like God owed it to me to answer, I was just convinced that he could and he would.  I don't tell you this to say "wow, look at her praying, praying, praying."  I just want you to see my investment into this particular prayer.

A few months ago it became clear, what I had been praying for was not going to happen.  The day I knew my prayer wasn't answered I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.  To say I was devastated would be an understatement.  I was filled with grief and confusion.  

I felt what I was praying for was in line with God's will.  So when it wasn't answered I struggled with understanding.  Now, for some, not understanding may not be that big of a deal.  For me, not understanding is not okay.  It's never been an option. I need to know the “whys.”  I have always been very analytical (to a fault really.)  I want to know the reasoning behind things.  If I have a clear answer as to why something has to be the way it is then I can move on.  Even if it’s unfair, I just need to know the why.

I felt myself stepping back.  I hated that I was stepping back, but I was so shaken by the outcome in this situation.  I didn’t want to question God.  I knew he didn't owe me anything.  He is God, he is my creator.  So instead I sat, and I hurt.  I took on an un-trusting spirit of fear that I had never had before.  I became afraid to pray.  I couldn’t possibly pour out my heart again to have it so shattered from disappointment.  What is worse is at that particular time, there was so much turmoil happening in my life and the lives of those around me that I wanted to run to God with, but I couldn’t bring myself to invest in a single prayer.  To top it all off, I felt an incredible amount of guilt for feeling this way. 

I was stuck...frozen...afraid to make any sort of move towards prayer again. I was drowning in guilt for not trusting God enough to pray.  So, I stopped.  I continued reading my bible, hoping to just find an answer, but I didn't want to pray.

Stopping proved to be even more painful.  I desperately wanted to cling to God, but felt hurt and wounded.  I didn't know how to get over this unanswered prayer and move forward.  I actually felt depressed, for the first time in my life.

Unlike the past, this time I recognized my need to reach out and admit I needed help.  Over the course of several weeks I received wonderful counsel and advice from several godly friends.  Each person had something to say that I needed to hear. (To all those people, thank-you.)

Nothing happened instantly for me, but along the way God kept ministering to my heart and healing it, despite the fact that I wasn't asking Him to.  Praise God He loves us that much.

I had heard a sermon during these months.  The pastor was talking about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  They refused to bow down and worship a gold statue even though the king had issued a decree requiring it.  When the king found out he had them brought before him and demanded they bow down to the statue or be thrown into a blazing furnace.  They answered him If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us.  He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty.  But even if he doesn't, we want to make it clear, we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue.  Daniel 3:17 & 18

The God whom we serve is able to save us, but even if He doesn't we still serve Him.

They chose to serve and worship God regardless if He answered their prayer.  They didn't say "He can save us, but if he doesn't then we need an explanation."  This stuck with me...I thought about it a lot.

I began praying again.  I didn't leap right into the water, instead I started by dipping my toes in.  I started by simply asking God to forgive me and change my heart towards prayer, and He has. (I'm so glad he loves me enough to have patience with me.)

Lately, I've been reading the book "Get Off Your Knees and Pray" by Sheila Walsh.  I actually bought this book a really long time ago, but had never picked it up to read.  I didn't even feel that I needed to read it when I bought it, I just really like Sheila's books and it was on sale.  During the months of my prayer drought I remember seeing the book on my desk and being annoyed with it and not having any desire to open it.  One day, a month or so ago, I finally opened it and started reading.  In one of the chapters Sheila talks about not understanding God's answers.  She talked about Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane.

They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”  Mark 14:32-36

Jesus himself was filled with grief and sorrow.  Jesus, God's perfect son poured out his sweat, blood, and tears while praying to God, his father.  Jesus pleaded with God to deliver him from the wrath that would soon be poured out on him, but only at God's will, not his own.

Jesus is our ultimate example.  He prayed for something that he was completely justified in asking for.  Yet God still let Jesus take His wrath...our punishment.  This is beyond unfair.  But Jesus, perfect Jesus didn't question or stop trusting God.

God in his mercy and love gave me the explanation I was looking for in Jesus example.  I don't always have to understand, even when it seems to make no sense.  I just need to trust that He is God and I can always go to Him in prayer.