Right Beside Me

My kids are fighting and making messes, I've just finished cleaning the kitchen, sweeping the floors, and sorting the laundry. College football is playing on the TV while Kerry naps on the couch. There is nothing special about today, except today is all I longed for a week ago.

A week ago today I dropped Kerry off at the Tahlequah hospital ER, frustrated that the urgent care wasn't open and he would have to sit for hours at the ER only to be told he had a virus and given a huge bill afterwards. I would have to find something to do for a few hours with the kids while he waited on a doctor to see him. Why did he have to feel so badly on Labor Day weekend?

A few hours later I went back to check on him after he stopped returning my texts only to find out he was very sick. Very sick and they didn't know why. He had even passed out in the room while waiting to get an X-ray. His blood pressure was dangerously low and his heart rate elevated. And earlier I had just dropped him off...

I let the doctor know I would be right back, I needed to get my kids somewhere and I needed to be with Kerry. Frantically I called my friend Danielle, who lives just a few minutes from the hospital and she very graciously offered to watch them until we got this all sorted out.

After a few hours the doctor eventually said he wasn't sure what was going on and Kerry needed an MRI, something they could not do for three days. He didn't want to take that risk because Kerry's body was in shock, and they were concerned about a possible abscess.  The doctor wanted to send us on to Tulsa. He gave us three choices and we chose St. Francis. Kerry would have to go by ambulance due to his vitals and I wasn't allowed to ride with him.

I tried not to be freaked out, but I was. I had to go outside to make the necessary phone calls to family and I was shaking. I wanted to get it together for Kerry, but my own body gave me away. Luckily, he was on a lot of morphine, and felt too good at the moment to be worried.

I drove to Muskogee to meet my mom for her to drive me to Tulsa. I cried and pleaded with God the whole way to Muskogee. That was the end of my freaking out.

I got in the car with my mom, we arrived at the hospital shortly before Kerry's ambulance. They got him into a triage room and went to work trying to figure out this mystery. I've never seen him so sick, so miserable, yet I was able to hold it together. I remember watching his vitals and being concerned with his heart rate, but I was held together; I didn't panic.

Close to 11:00 p.m. they thought they might know what was wrong, but it still didn't make sense that he was in septic shock or that his lymph nodes were swollen in his abdomen. So they would ultimately need to continue running tests. He had an MRI and was finally to get in a room after midnight. Getting a room was a short miracle in itself...they weren't sure if they would have any, the hospital was so packed.

That night and the following night were so hard on Kerry. He was so sick. He seemed to get some relief from the pain meds, but as soon as they wore off he was very sick and in pain again. We spent the first few nights calling the nurse and nurse tech about once an hour.

The doctor would come in each afternoon/evening and again tell us they haven't figured out what was going on. All they could tell was that he had a bad infection, but where it was coming from or what kind it actually was remained a mystery.

Tuesday Kerry started feeling better and we had noticed they cut him off of the strong antibiotics and started him on a new med late the night before. The doctor came in late Tuesday night about 10:45 and he told us they had finally had a diagnosis.

He had cryptosporidiosis, caused by the bacteria cryptosproridium normally found in swimming water, but it can be passed person to person. It's not uncommon, but it is rare for people to be hospitalized for it. That is why the normal tests hadn't found it. The kids and I had a stomach virus the previous week and I was actually still recovering from it. He most likely got it from us since he hadn't been swimming at all this summer. For whatever reason his immune system didn't fight it off like it should have. This led to him getting so sick and his body going into septic shock.

The new medicine they had switched him to the night before was treating it, and that was why he had started getting better. We were so relieved to finally have an answer, an answer that was a simple medicinal fix, and to get wonderful news that he could go home the following day.

As the doctor left, I exhaled for what seemed like the first time in a few days. With that exhale poured out emotions of relief and I actually felt the heaviness of all that transpired leaving my body. I cried over Kerry and praised God for allowing him to remain here on earth with me.

The next day as we waited for the final word from the doctor that we could go home, I sat and reflected back on everything. Something God just didn't allow me to do until later, until it was safe to do so.

I wasn't supposed to be home last weekend. I was originally going to be at my granny's house for the weekend caring for her. My dad had called me a few days before and said someone else wanted to take care of her that weekend. I should've been gone; Kerry would've been alone, at home, by himself. He most likely would've just stayed in bed and tried to ride it out until I could get home on Sunday and take him to the doctor. That might have been much too late.

Had Tahlequah been able to do an MRI, they would have kept Kerry there. Possibly never finding the cause. Kerry's doctor at St. Francis told us the test that discovered Kerry's infection is pretty advanced and he wasn't even sure that St. John's had it yet. Also the fact that we chose St. Francis over two other hospitals in Tulsa, including St. John's.

There were so many little ways in which God redirected our path to get him exactly where he needed to be.

After my prayer on the way to the hospital I can tell you that God took over for me. Someone a few days later commented about how strong I was during all this. I can honestly promise you I was not. I look back and can't believe how held together I appeared, but it wasn't me. I truly understand what it means to be sustained and carried by God in the midst of a scary time. God did not let me sit and worry and think about all that was currently going on. He just didn't. It was as if he kept my mind clear, focused, and removed the ability to worry or panic. You can ask people that know me well:  I can be a huge worry-wart. I have been known to entertain my negative thoughts so much you'd think they were my best friend. So I promise you when I say God removed that ability, he actually did.

I am the world's worst at memorizing Scripture. I have always admired Christians that just pull a verse out of thin air that they have memorized. While I don't have Scripture memorized in that way, I knew the promises and truths of God's Word. I was reminded of them over and over by him; I couldn't have quoted anything in those moments, but I knew them in my heart, I truly did. I felt surrounded and held together by his word.

We got home Wednesday and spent the evening catching up with and loving on the kids. Being away from them for so long was probably the hardest part for me. After everyone went to bed that night I was still up and listening to my iPod. The song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller came on in my shuffle mix. Immediately I thought, "Oh, this is the song I've been trying to think of forever that I think Maci (our niece) could sing really well." Then as I listened to the chorus

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking I never leave your hands

I exhaled again like I had the night before and it all came pouring out. Every emotion I hadn't felt in the hospital made it's way to the surface and flooded out like a dam had burst. I wept and wept. I praised God for all he brought us through and again I thanked him for allowing Kerry to remain here with me. I was filled with gratefulness that he was okay, yet so burdened for those around me that have had to say good bye to their loved ones. Because of that I refuse to take this gift of being a wife and mom for granted. I will cherish the marriage I have and thank God for each new day with my best friend. 

"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me." Psalms 16:8

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4